I remember being told I can be anyone I want. I can achieve everything and my dreams will come true eventually. If you believe in something strongly then it will come true. What a bullshit! I wasn’t told that culture, stereotypes and many different pressures from outside world would just punch me in a face. Year after year, I’ve become more aware of the fact that dreams simply don’t come true and you can’t be anyone you want because of many reasons. So I’ve started to have this perfect life in my head instead. I used to daydream a lot and it was my escape. That was all I needed. However, 2020 showed me or it’ll be better to say it restored my childish faith into dreams coming true. It showed me a way of how I can do it.
When the whole pandemic began for good it was a time when my office could finally start working from home. It was the best feeling ever, at least at the very begining. There were pros and cons but it’s not what I want to talk about now. I started thinking a lot about where I was, where the world was heading and where I was running with my life. I jumped into a black hole and I wanted to stay there. It was somehting I knew and it felt really safe there. I was just floating in a total darkness when suddenly I saw something.
At first, I thought it was my mind playing games on me but it happened again and again. It was one sparkle and then another and another and I realized that I was no longer in a black hole. I travelled it through and I got into a whole new world. There was something exciting about that discovery, yet I felt so scared. I couldn’t get back to the begining so I started to look around and swim around those lights. When I came closer it hit me there were just creatures formed into little stars. They were very weak, still sleeping and their light was very unstable yet. I touched one and its warmth gave me hope and the soft, fluffy texture made me comfortable. It looked at me and I knew what there were.
… and ground-breaking moves
I’ve made my decision of never going back to the times before the black hole because I liked the new place better. I put myself on the egde and I jumped without a single plan what to do. Just knowing what I didn’t want in my life and what I was no longer capable of standing. The pandemic made me realize that life is too short to only exist. I don’t want to put myself away again and again and again. I have to start doing what’s best for me and myself. Even if it means losing my track, being lost many times and discover new places I know nothing about. My dreams needs to be taken care of and I know they will grow big and strong if only I’m fully there for them.
Hoping the best is yet to come
I’ve changed my life on so many levels and I’m finally feeling alive. Am I scared? Like hell! But I know that I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back. Also, I know it will be couple of really hard months for me. I see there’s nothing at all in front of me and it’s really hard to start. However, before the jump I’ve created these business plans and personal plans so they’re my guides now. They will be changing and evolving so to perfectly fit the situation. I’m really happy that I finally got my paintbrush back and the blank canvas is mine to paint on. I’m still not knowing what it’ll be at the end but it doesn’t matter. I’ll start and see where I’ll take myself. This painting might be really interesting.
In year 2021 I want my life to begin again. The plan is to discover things I love but also the things I hate. I hope I will improve myself on many different levels. There are those dreams that needs to be taken care of. I want to read more, paint more, write more, learn more, discover more. I want to grow and evolve as an artist. Become a better woman. I’m really hoping the best is yet to come and I just need to work hard and adjust my sails accordingly along the way.