I see some light in front of me. I am running but I cannot move. I try to run faster. I move my legs faster but I am still in the same place. Someone or something is haunting for me. I can feel its eyes on me. I look around yet I see no one. Everywhere darkness. I am petrified. I feel cold. It is behind me. I want to run away but I cannot move. I scream while it grabs my hand and pulls me away from the light I see in front of me.
I wake up for the third time this night.
It was only just a dream. Rather a nightmare than a dream. I get up from the bed and open a window. I want to breathe some fresh air. It is almost 3am and this night is one of the worst so far. I cannot sleep and if I do I dream nightmares.
It was never like that. I had nightmares before, but always only one at the time. Then I was falling asleep and dreaming of nothing. Lately, those nightmares are happening more often. I do not know what is going on with me. Maybe I know but I am too scared to admit it.
The darkness in this room makes me think some terrible things I’d rather not to think about. Especially at this time and after those nightmares. Even the moon is hiding tonight. I light up a candle. It is a bit old-fashioned but I like it that way. I do not need a room full of light, just a little flame to brighten my world. It is all I am always asking for. I take this candle with me and sit in front of the mirror. I guess this is the time to have a serious conversation with myself.
I am watching the dance of light and shadow on my skin. The shadow is always trying to catch the light while the light is always escaping and making its own way to shine. They make it so beautifully and gracefully. However one would never exist without the other.
I look into my eyes. For a moment I saw the old me. The happy one. The young one. The hopeful one. Those days of me are far, far behind, yet I am still here. I tried many times to find out why but I never knew why. I couldn’t make any reason I would believe.
Suddenly the wind from the outside blows the candle. I am sitting in the darkness again and I know what is coming next. Even though I cannot see myself in the mirror I know the other one is over there watching me.
“You won” I whisper.
I should have killed you but I let you live. That was my biggest mistake. And now you leave me no choice. I am sorry but if I want to live I have to die first. It will be a huge sacrifice and the world I know will disappear. I will be free after that and you will no longer have any power on me.
I am strong enough to die…
The whole new world awaits. I have to reach for it.
The truth is you cannot kill yourself. You will never destroy you so you can keep on living. The past will always haunt you. You cannot run away from what is inside you.
I have to keep on living and maybe one day I will learn how to live with myself again.